So welcome once again ladies and gentlemen to one of my articles dedicated exclusively to messed up professions any well-adjusted individual would never consider doing. Or would they? Because most of these professions pay surprising well.
Biohazard Cleaner
Or otherwise known as Crime Scene Cleaners, these individuals clean and sanitize locations that have been exposed to biological waste as a result of death (usually) or serious injury. Do not call these guys if you cut yourself shaving a little down there (why would you even do that? It must get crazy itchy). No, because their job involves highly infectious viruses, contaminated bodily fluids, and all kinds of post-crime gore and they need to dress in a jumpsuit from head-to-toe, duct-tape the legs, gloves and sleeves closed and wear full-face gas masks. The average charge for a crime scene clean-up is a steal though; a 12-hour job runs about 10 to 12.000 dollars.
Landfill Gas Technician
You know that sickening-ly sour-sweet smell of decaying garbage that permeates your car as you drive by the landfill, forcing you to open every single window and dry-heave for a quarter of a mile? Well, that smell is a combination of gasses, primarily methane, which is the result of bacteria eating trash; it usually carries an aromatic (see pungent) bouquet that smells like decay and rotten eggs. A Landfill Gas Technicians job is to seek out this rotten gas and extrude it from pockets within garbage dumps. He does this by drilling wells into the heaps of used diapers, soiled clothes and abandoned Tamagotchis and then use a pipeline to move it to a different area and burn it. It has the potential to make you between 58 and a whopping 148.000 dollars a year if you don’t die in a methane fueled fire or explosion. Oh, did I not mention that methane is super flammable and explosive?
Manure Inspector
Yes, this is an honest to God job; I have not made this up due to my propensity for ordure (that means fecal matter) humor. If you think your job is sh*t, imagine going to work and climbing an Everest’s worth of animal sh*t ( I know I repeated sh*t three times in this sentence, but I’m just sticking with a theme here). Let’s just say that a manure inspector has to wade through a lot of sh*t because of their sh*tty job.
Livestock Masturbator
Look I’m not the type of person that would jerk you around. There are certainly some jobs where you need to choke the chicken but that’s usually your own, not a bull that ways almost a metric ton. I wonder if the Livestock Masturbator has to awkwardly pat the bull on the back and say: “Don’t worry it happens to everyone at least once”. Adding to the indignation that the job basically makes you a human shaped sex toy for an animal so dumb we eat it, it comes with the danger of being horribly injured or even killed.
Hazmat Diver
Swimming through raw human waste, pig farm sewage intermixed with syringes used to administer hormones and medicine and radioactive nuclear reactors. No, I’m not describing the 10th circle of hell Dante decided to leave out of Inferno, I’m talking about some of the usual things Hazmat Divers have to do. I know most of my readers are pretty perceptive, so they know that commercial diving is a very dangerous profession. Now add to that the danger being open to toxic chemicals, a soup of bacteria, viruses and lower visibility (they clean up pollutants, last time I checked pollutants usually cloud up bodies of water pretty effectively). On the upside, you will be 50 to 75 dollars richer for every hour you spend with your face in poo. I guess the term keeping your head above water (sh*t infused water) doesn’t apply to these guys, the longer their head’s below water (again sh*t infused water), the more they make.
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